Freak Depository

2004-05-25T12:45:00.000-07:00

Wow, we've certainly gotten away from this little thing haven't we? That's uncool. Drop a line and let us all know what's up, I'll do the same when I feel up to it which should be soon enough.

Later.

2003-11-29T11:38:00.000-08:00

Sorry, I'm just too busy with saving the world to do any e-wrestling, even in MCW. Good luck though.

I'm also soon to become unemployed (my choice), so you can add job-hunting to the list of things I'm busy doing.

On a lighter note, I think Avid Merrion's Proper Crimbo may well be the worst Christmas song of all time. I know it's meant to be comedy, but lyrics like "I didn't sleep that night, For Santa to come, I wet the bed, that's what I had done, Cos Christmas time is the place to be, I always wake up in a puddle of wee," aren't funny, they're just sad. Believe me, urine isn't intrinsically funny; if it were, you'd be able to hear the hoots and bellows in the men's toilets from across the street.

2003-10-11T22:58:00.000-07:00

Say there fellers, JJF and Scotty McB specifically, have you heard the word?

What word you ask? Well, just the most wordity word there is right now silly pants. That word being of course... MCW...

I'm a glutton, I know, but Coot convinced me and now I'm passing the insanity on to you, hopefully...

MCW is looking to return one more time, this time, stripped down and back to it's roots. Y'know, how 'bout I just let the FAQ do the talking huh? Alrighty then, let's...

Check it out here. Let me know if you feel up to it at all, I think it could be fun again and we can always use the help of two founding fathers of Freakdom...

[Shameless whore mode: Disengaged]

2003-09-26T05:30:00.000-07:00

The new fed . . . It's called Independent Spirit Wrestling, ran by the guys who used to handle Kid Canuck and Moxy Blue in the like IIWF adjunct feds . . . I'll send you the FAQ . . .

And people actually remember MCW, the brand name and equity of funniness we built up would draw people in, whereas I, the notorious troll, don't have the pull to swing a new fed with no history . . . So it would get people . . .

And I am on AIM (as JimDQuayle) . . . And where's the primary #e-wrestling these days? . . . I've been hanging out at #puroresu on Starchat . . . And MSN hates this computer for some reason, it won't sign in for longer than like five seconds, but I'm registered as jrt1@ragland.net . . .

Later . . .

2003-09-25T23:41:00.000-07:00

And if you're on the computer so much now a days, get your ass on an AIM or Yahoo! or ICQ or IRC or MSN or some damned thing, I've got every messanger known to man so there's no reason for you to not be chatting with me ya prick! :)

2003-09-25T23:40:00.000-07:00

I would actually be up for an MCW 4 and 7/8ths and I think I could actually have enough juice to contribute, but it's that participation thing that's the big hang up, I can't run an empty fed, I have to feed off of the enthusiasm of the handlers and when they have none, neither do I...

And what is this place you've joined now?

2003-09-25T21:43:00.000-07:00

Oh, and cram that thirty days crap, it happened yesterday :)

2003-09-25T21:42:00.000-07:00

It's basically me noodling around . . . :) It is surely not MCW v.4 . . . Which would be a great idea, if someone would join it . . .

And my online college registration went through, so I have lots of free time . . . That I don't spend cleaning Wal-Mart or commiting sweet adultery, anyway . . . So . . . I've joined one tiny little fed that is going to have a distinct parody-ish feel to it when it gets running, and I run a shitfed . . . :)

Later . . .

2003-09-24T10:34:00.000-07:00

Happy happy and all that. Fun and joy and frivolity all around. Huzzah!

So how does this fed work? I'm not sure I get the mechanics of it.

2003-09-21T21:09:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday to me . . . Happy birthday to me . . . And it was, since me and Amanda got back together to boot, in fact, she made me a cake . . . And as I am not dead yet, I can safely say that she's not mad at me anymore after I acted like a total ass . . .

Oh, and I'm running a Yahoo group fed just to mess with my many random characters, and it's heavyweight division could use some former names who aren't around at present . . . **cough**Kevin Legend **cough**

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/alabamaallstarwrestling

Later . . . Approximately 30 days until I consummate our relationship, and around 11 months until the inevitable Reno shotgun wedding, for which I could use a witness . . . :)

2003-09-19T05:04:00.000-07:00

Uh . . . 2 . . .

There has to be more funny ideas out there than that (one old MBC character and Osama Bin Ladin) to be exact . . .

2003-09-18T09:53:00.000-07:00

I actually don't think I have the old mailing list, and if I did I don't imagine you'd get much more than an acre of bounces. How many people have you got signed up now anyway?

And as for the links, try right clicking them and "Open in New Window", it seems to work that way, not sure why it doesn't work regularly...

2003-09-18T04:01:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I think this whole situation with Amanda is turning into a Project Greenlight or ripoff thereof screenplay, actually . . . It does have a lot of Kevin Smith-ian overtones you'd have to be here to get . . .

Send my FAQ out to the list pronto, I beg of you, as the Godfather of the genre . . . It's beginning to get buzz from the actually-decent Yahoo group-fed scene, but no parody fed would be complete without some People or even CPW . . . :) Yeah, they're probably all I'd get . . .

And these links are buggy or something . . . They come up and bounce to a 404 error immediately . . .

2003-09-18T02:28:00.000-07:00

Poor Coot and his endless comical female troubles, oh the sit-comy hi-larity! I kid of course, because I love. :)

Also, something new to play with stripcreator I'm already having fun with it, see my first and second comics and enjoy my good old fashion wholesome goodness, won't you?

2003-09-15T22:43:00.000-07:00

Got a new machine . . . ex-girlfriend quit work to crawl in hole and die (Why am I solely attracted to sheer loons?) . . . I'm back . . .

2003-09-15T07:05:00.000-07:00

NEVER, under any circumstances, even if you work there, buy a computer from a certain store with a cute little smiley face logo and a habit for crushing economies . . . The festering chunk of Absorbine and Avocado Pipsa(C) quit on me at 11:45 pm on the last day I could take it back . . . It died like . . . Oh, wait, I've run out of new dead celebrity jokes, since all the recent ones were highly admirable people who didn't even have the timing to stage a goofy accident . . . So, let's just say it died like MCW v. 9 . . .

2003-09-06T09:26:00.000-07:00

Last night rocked the universe!!! I have a life now, and years of bad luck seem to be disappearing . . . Oh, and one person has joined BTSCW . . .

2003-09-05T08:32:00.000-07:00

The FAQ and app . . . It's already posted to RSPWF, since I want to see, well, if anybody even joins before it becomes part of the MCW Annals (shut up, Holden) . . . And I need match writers, **nudge into floor** :)

The Big Time-Space Continuum Wrestling FAQ

1: What are we?

BTSCW is a parody fed. This is being posted on RSPWF, so we all know what an e-fed is, I mean, they've existed since the dawn of modern time (which I believe has been traced to 1987.) But it is also a spoof on all those deadly serious e-feds out there that are basically classes in Bad English Composition, only with more homework and less entertainment. So, this goes to Rule #1

BE FUNNY!

This is also rule number 2, 3, 4, and for some reason, 59.

2. Who are we?

I am a e-fed organizing addict. I've never been all that keen on being in them (MCW aside), but I love running them when they work, which they all did after a fashion (one was primarily an extended angle, one merged with another after myself and the other head involved realized that we had the same exact characters/angles for the most part and having two seemed pointless, and my writers' discovery of Final Fantasy VII (Which I loathe, I tell you, LOATHE!!!!) killed the last one).

And, sadly, the old-school parody fed tradition has died out like the square grouper (a rare fish, once found in giant schools of the Florida Keys, with succulent white flesh that also happened to cause a rather pleasant intoxication . . . Aaah, the time when I accidentally found a herd while searching for the lost continent of Screwdriverville . . . I just pulled out my trusty .45 caliber Polaroid and strafed. . . ), which shan't happen. Why? In the Apocrypha, actually the lost book of Bartholomew the Largely Insignificant 32:19, it says "As long as the denizens of the future waste their time on what is called "e-wrestling", let there be one among them who can cause great laughter." At least in Lichtensteinese, the usual English translations are all about fine lines in the definition of bestiality . . .

My writing staff are excellent human beings that understand all your match-related needs . . . And no, they're not all really me . . .

3: Background

After some yutz named Justin decided to save the space-time continuum in 1998, an attempt which is recorded as history's biggest failure since New Coke, there was a second Big Bang . . . This created a giant ultrastore in the center of the universe . . . Everything is the Ultrastore, the Ultrastore is everything, and if the Ultrastore didn't exist, someone would have to create it . . . Oh, wait, I just did, never mind . . . The Ultrastore contains everything smaller than a continent and larger than the period at the end of the world's tiniest sentence (We don't stock sextuple-zero periods, but we have a fine selection of everything from quintuple-zero to Oh Heck Yes That's Just Felchin' Huge, Mama in our Grammar Supplies department). It also serves as a biosphere for the forgotten relics of the continuum, those who do not fit into either reality or fiction and just got stuck here, a phenomenon called "farcespace".

Your Commissioner, or is that Commission, is "All 75 Of" Dan Echt. You see, he has 75 personalities, each related to a specific childhood trauma . . . (Oh, no, Goldfish are climbing me . . . If I were Dan Echt, I'd think I was a glass of refreshing POG juice, no, not the kind with guavas in it, the king you get from squeezing commemorative Sublime "We're constantly hiring lead singers in the vain hope one will be as good as the first guy" Pogs.)

Your referee is Alabama's favorite almost-disbarred elected official, Roy Moore. Why? Because he can count to 10 really good and because the ponderous judicial decision makes a really cool dark match gimmick :). . .

Your commentators:

Jim D. "Do NOT call me Dan" Quayle: He's kind of sensitive about the whole Vice-President thing not working out after that no-good bastard Don Rumsfeld said "W's basically the same guy . . . but he's like hot and stuff . . . and he's a Texan, men dig Texans" at the annual America Company Picnic, so he got re-assigned to the Constant Carping about the Media division, and quit to sell shoes at the Ultrastore.

Claire McCarthy: Wise-cracking dummy attached to the left arm of a Thorazine-filled Candice Bergen (old jokes ROCK!!!)

"All 75 of" Dan Echt: See above.

U. B. Banging: Reggae superstar and Manager of the Marijuana and Prostitutes division.

Flubba Furless Jr.: Ring announcer, was deemed "too stupid and hickish" to partner with the urbane Jim Quayle, is the least successful morning radio host in the Ultrastore along with his partner Hick "The Bigger, Fatter One" Hickman, they also lend their name to the least appetizing of the Ultrastore's wing joints, which is over by the first stomach pumping station for a reason. He often blatantly moralizes and claims it's comedy.

Rules:

BE FUNNY!

Once again, BE FUNNY!

Anything goes . . . No, I mean really, it's part of being on a tiny indie ISP, as long as it's not illegal . . . In fact, any kiddie-porn related gags more direct than a toss-off will result in perma-jobbing . . . And since I send no RPs before I read them, I'll bleep Carlin's Seven Words . . . (For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, hopefully just cavebound Taliban members with a need for e-feds, they are: fuck, shit, piss, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits. Don't make me repeat them :) before they hit anyone else's inbox. Beyond that, it's a newly liberated country . . . Loot away . . . but be funny about it!

Everything is great, as long as, well, it's funny. Unlike some of our predecessors, in which it was completely and utterly anathema, I actually want celebrity parody characters as long as they're good and not highly overused at the moment. The more obscure, the better, actually. I want original characters, too, I have little interest in this becoming CDM the e-fed, but for some reason that concept appeals to me at the moment.

The best advice that I can give anyone who wasn't in MCW/DEWF/PEWF/LOL and hasn't seen it, is start with a broad, wide-open gimmick that lends itself to a lot of good gags, and let the interactions and angles flesh things out a bit, that's been the way successful characters usually start.

59: Oh, yeah, BE FUNNY!

Cards:

Wednesday Sometime TV: Our main (and at this point, only) match-related show. We'll have a gab o' matches, especially one-sided ones until things fill out. Enjoy your 99-0 records while they last. :)

The Meaningless Blather Pit brought to you by The Employee Lounge: The interview show. It comes out the day before a card and is where you get to spout off. Don't do any more than two RPs a week, since this isn't education college, and I think of strats as being far more important and generally interesting anyway.

Weekend Morning YORK!!!: The second card, which will be largely the additional interviews and Roy Moore-style matches without additional writers . . .

One-shots: Long, but hilarious background/historical/spoof things that I'll send in place of cards if for some reason I won't be around . . . I'm all about content . . .

Our first MegaBroadcast:

The Every Holiday Is Special Special I: Many Really Special Guests And Stuff.
- after around six or seven cards . . . No dates, because has any e-fed ever consistently delivered on dates . . . Well, there was one . . .
Live from the UltraStore Clown Therapy Center (across from Sharp Objects and down the hall from the ladies' room)

The Large Base Metal-Plated Belt will be given away in a match that gets right down to it. No pointless waiting around for everybody to come out, when they all just want to get drunk . . . So it will be a Free-Form Bar Discussion/Fight Match between everyone that shows up at the right bar (There are 6 in Alcohol and Casual Luvvin')

The Title for Two People Who Form a Team will also be given away . . . In one of the other bars. . . Same deal, different location.

Also, The Vomit Encrusted Badge of Shame with EXTRA SHAME~! will be given away in yet another bar . . . Because jobbers need shame.

And holiday-themed undercard matches . . . Any holiday, promotional celebration, or day that's at least a little bit important . . . They're all good with a little love . . . And lots of alcohol :)

RPS: See above, don't do more than two a week, since, well, we all have at least a little ADD, it's just part of being freakin' born after 1975 or so . . . That's why grannies and grandpas think that crap on PAX is entertaining (Oh, look, Sylvester, a long discussion about the personal problems of angels . . . Shut up, Claudine, I'm trying to watch the grass grow, I have 5 with Percy on the fescue . . . Damn you, Bluegrass, don't make me put some whale oil in my Mowopticon. . .)

Oh, yeah, I forgot . . . Avoid lame old person jokes, my little toe is 95 and it's offended :) . . . Unless they're funnier than that one . . .

Strats: These are very important. They develop your character, they build strong win-loss records, they put hair on your scrotal regions, and other necessary things. Tell me what you want your character to do in a match and it will be done. All of it, because we're all about the chaos . . .

-----------------

APPLICATION FOR WRESTLERHOOD:

Your name or commonly used alias:
Your e-mail address:
Your thoughts on the subject of leash laws for feral redneck children:

Your character (or characters') name(s) :

A description of your character:

Height:

Weight:

Department of the Ultrastore in which your character is currently employed:

Intro music:

Any special intro effects:

Any companions that your character/s may have that are not officially a tag partner :

Everything not included belongs in the Description!!!

---------------------------------

SIGN HERE-TYPE AREA

I promise to be funny. And hopefully good, but at least funny.

----- Put the ol' Frank "The Uncontrollable Whacker" Hancock here . . .

2003-09-05T06:52:00.000-07:00

New e-mail addy, BTW . . . jrt1@ragland.net . . . The ancient Yahoo one works, too, but Hotmail locked me out . . .

2003-09-05T06:48:00.000-07:00

My first post with an actual functional connection that I own since somewhere in '98 . . . ROCK!!! Sadly, not DSL . . . I live in the most rural place on Earth, aside from Afghanistan, Alaska, and that secret UFO base in West Virginia, and our local telephone company is the last intransigent indie in America, they haven't ran DSL out this far yet (or as far as the largest employer and largest private school in our ZIP either) . . .

And I flunked English . . . Karma . . . If I had helped the girl and went to her house (nothing was going to happen anyway, I would have been such a Kobe Bryant if I had even approached trying, besides, we both agree we're just friends, just no one else on the planet believes us . . . Even the mom doesn't believe, but I think she's just glad I'm not a transvestite like my uncle), she was going to take me to school and I would have turned in my paper . . . At least she's fine, though, saw her last night, she came in to shop just because she knew I was worried about her . . .

The comedy thing rocks for you, man . . . Just remember, Eddie Murphy started out as a featured player, too . . . SNL was paying his ass like minimum wage for a year and a half . . .

Which radio station are you on? The Sac one or that god-awful crapfest in Davis? And is this online?

I know what you mean . . . I just have the old funny back . . . I'll send all that stuff tomorrow when I finish it . . .

I'm out . . .

2003-09-03T17:50:00.000-07:00

Welcome welcome prodigal Dipstick. We have all missed your... stuff... Y'know, things... Anyway, welcome back, glad to have yee.

Man, been a month and a half already since I last posted? That sucks.

Well, what's new. The Free Hooch Comedy Troupe (The troupe I'm in, don't cha' know) had it's last show last week in it's temporary home, and on four TUESDAY nights with ZERO advertising we pulled in 60, 60, 48 and 48 people each respective night. Not too damned shabby at all. The next step is the opening of the club. That should be coming in the next month/month and a half or so. We'll likely be doing 3 shows a week, one on Friday and Two on Saturday or vice-versa.

And in a personal bit of added good news, I got a raise in my pay per show. The cast is paid out on a point system. We take the ticket sales and divide up the money based on each member's points. The main cast all has one point and I started with half a point. So we had 8 cast members, 6 full members and two "Featured Players" (which was what I am and we both got half a point each) so that meant we took the gate and divided it by 7 and blah blah blah I'm sure you get it by now. Anyway, last night I was told one thing that I already knew was going to happen and one pleasant surprise: The other featured player was being demoted to the improv group that is going to be performing on Thursdays when the club opens and that I was getting my raise to one full point. Very rock. Lots of potential money coming in once the club opens and I'm doing three shows a week.

The Access radio thing continues to limp along. It's really frustrating doing my show in a vacuum like I am. No one ever calls, no idea how many people might even be listening. Not sure how long I'm going to be able to hang in there but we'll see. Got a website for the show here if you wanna check it out.

And I'm also back on the Atkins thing and I'm sticking with it. Been two weeks and I'm still going strong and I'll continue to do so for at least another 40 pounds, already lost 15 in the first two weeks so...

Very cool that SpamPal is still truckin' along there JJF. I did want to ask you something though, I know you don't live in France but you're a lot closer than I am so I was wondering if you could explain how 11,000 French people could just drop dead in mid to upper 90 degree heat. I mean besides their being French and all...

And Coot, if you're thinking of starting a certain something with this certain kind of FAQ and app, I'm there, I think the world is once again ripe for a "Certain Thing"... *wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge* knowwhatImean... Of course you do.

Klee is Inquisitive and Child Like

Later

2003-09-02T08:10:00.000-07:00

The one who backlights my moon is getting a divorce from her dork husband . . . And I've written a certain kind of FAQ and app . . . Which would have more disastrous results?

2003-08-26T07:59:00.000-07:00

Cool? . . . I'm cleaning a freaking superstore!!!! That ranks somewhere above assistant crack whore in cool but it's definitely below Chief Justice of the Supreme Court . .

"Celebrity Detox Camp"? Which former Spice Girl was on that one, and there had to have been one? Maybe the US version will just involve showing live Sexaholics Anonymous meetings . . . That would be creepy, I thought I was a sick freak back in the '01, but no, I was just a private in the Perv Army . . .

Later . . .

Rock on London, Rock on Chicago . . . We'll miss you, Wesley Willis.

2003-08-26T05:37:00.000-07:00

Sounds like everyone else is getting cool new jobs while I'm still in the same place I was nine years ago. I am SO jealous. :)

Reality TV shows are getting so bizarre these days. Back in the day we had things like Big Brother and Pop Idol, and they were okay, if really stupid. Lately various TV stations have been hyping something called "Cruel Holiday", which judging from the trailers involves ten people getting smothered in faeces and bathing in maggots for a month. I'm not sure where the "reality" comes into this, and it sure as hell won't be on my "TV". And I never actually watched Celebrity Detox Camp (which apparently comprised minor celebrities indulging in colonic irrigation), but by all reports I missed a conversation-piece that could have lasted me for YEARS. Or a multi-million pound lawsuit for emotional distress. Or both.

On a lighter note, are these circles moving?

http://www.psy.ritsumei.ac.jp/~akitaoka/t2_03.jpg

2003-08-25T06:16:00.000-07:00

I am back!!!!! Next week, by this time, I will have an actual functional full-time DSL connection and an actual functional Compaq PC to run it on. ROCK!!!

And to fill y'all in on the rest of my time, I'm currently studying to be a legal prank monkey at this really dodgy school that advertises on the freaking Maury Povich show (All A's and my intro to paralegal teacher is a major hottie to boot), I now work at the world's largest and most local economy-crushing retail chain (For legal reasons, I'm not mentioning any names, because they check that), I clean the floors in this giant superstore the size of the bloody Vatican for six dollars an hour and I actually love it, it beats the poo out of telemarketing, and I'm sort of in a flirtation situation with this impossibly gorgeous, yet married and bipolar, girl who makes the cakes there. Hope she's OK, actually, she was a bit flipped yesterday at the store and had to go home, and I had to mop up yards of multicolored cake icing (hey, it beats the baby excrement, busted portable bladder replacement devices, eggs, nail polish, axle grease, Arctic Blast copyrighted slush beverage and such, not to mention the largemouth bass tail one redneck apparently carried into the store to drop in front of frozen foods a few weeks back).

And I want on Lapdance Island!!! UPN ought to really make it, not like anybody watches anything else on there, at least that'd get those silly-ass Ten Commandments monument protesters out of my state and complaining about TV where they belong.

Check out this site:

http://www.buysellbulletin.com

Go to the opinion and personals sections. It's like the Internet, only in print for broke-ass East Alabama rednecks. Hilarious stuff.

Later.

2003-08-15T02:53:00.000-07:00

Cool news on the job, Jesse. Hope this goes better for you than the online radio gig did.

Me? I've just finished releasing the next generation of SpamPal, while sweltering in this murderous heatwave and working my way through the third season of Angel. I've watched it already, but I feel I need to justify my purchase of the video-tapes by watching it again...

Enough serious talk. Paul O'Brien always comes up with the goods:

http://www.channel4.com/entertainment/tv/microsites/L/lapdance_island/index.html

Almost certainly a hoax (look at the occupations listing on the application form. Actually just look at the application form in general: "1. What is it about a tropical island inhabited by lap dancers that appeals to you most?"), but it made me laugh harder.... MMMMMMM HARDER.... than anything else this week.

2003-07-18T13:23:00.000-07:00

Well, finally some news worth reporting!

Firstly I continue to work with the comedy troupe that I've mentioned in the past. In fact we have another show coming up this Tuesday, should be fun stuff. I get to do a little more in this show, including an integral part in one of the improves.

But the big new news is that I've finally gotten myself involved with the local public access broadcasting doodads. Slightly more specifically: Starting next week I'm going to have a weekly 2 hour radio program on local cable access radio. Quite cool. It's basically going to be the same show I was doing online but moving up from an audience numbering in the twos of people to now being heard by literally TENS of people... Hopefully it's actually more than that, but hell, even if it's not, it's definitely a step up, so that's cool.

Right now I'm starting the process of e-mailing all the bands I've pulled songs from on mp3.com and sweet talking the shit out of them. Partly to let them know that their stuff is actually being played somewhere (and sort of asking permission to do said playing), asking if they might be able to do a show id for me to additionally get their name out there, and kind of delicately trying to ask for all the free CDs I can hold :) Should be very cool.

Anyway, that's me for right now, what's everyone else up to?

2003-06-10T06:38:00.000-07:00

I don't know about anyone else, but I find buying underwear to be a very intimidating process. As soon as you walk into the men's underwear section of a shop, you're assaulted by huge posters of muscled models clad only in a pair of bulging y-fronts. Maybe this is meant to make you think "hey, if I buy these pants, I'll look like that guy!", but actually it makes me think "Oh man, how can I be so skinny and flabby at the same time, isn't that against the laws of nature?" And my gut-reaction to feeling physically inferior is not to buy a new pack of briefs, strangely enough.

I wonder, do women have the same problem? Every bra-shop you pass proudly displays images of improbably-thin girls in the flimsiest of negligee; does this make the girls think "yeah I gotta buy those knickers"?

2003-05-30T04:52:00.000-07:00

According to my local paper, one of the girls on the new series of Big Brother comes from four roads along from me. Don't ask me which; it's not as if I watch that show or anthing, but it's cool to have occaisional brushes with celebrities. My only other claim to fame is that I saw Alan Towers in church about twenty years ago. (Oh, and I saw The Crankees in a stage show in Scarborough about ten years ago.)

Okay, my contact with famous people isn't too impressive. Can you do any better?

2003-05-29T07:35:00.000-07:00

Did you ever look at the Cheeky Girls and think "this would be really good if they were infinitely chirpy, wore brightly-coloured rubber, and sung with an annoying-haired guy and a big blue mascot about the joys of corporate human-refueling empires?" Well, apparently someone did!

2003-05-26T12:25:00.000-07:00

Wow, how long did it last, after two or three months of fouling the keyboard?

Me news: finally got to watch Spider-Man yesterday (they turned my town's cinema into a jazz club several years ago, so I can't see movies when they come out - not that I did beforehand. Think the last thing I saw at a cinema was Superman IV.) Kinda disappointing really. Not that it was a bad movie, but it didn't rock my world, and after all that hype I was expecting a little more.

The Green Goblin looked a real plonker with the permanently-grinning mouth, too.

SpamPal is up to about 40,000 users... Yay SpamPal! ALL HAIL SPAMPAL! Given than ten zillion people have downloaded it, this probably means the rather-too-difficult installation is putting people off. Hmmm.

Caught the end of the Eurovision Song Contest, as I found watching Evita on UK Drama to be rather more fun. UK got Nil Points - our worst ever! YAY! Flipped over to the after-show show on BBC3 - is it just me or is Lorraine Kelly showing more cleavage with every week that passes? - and had to giggle when the vocal coach said she couldn't tell which member of TATU had the serious throat infection.

Weird moment when they interviewed the Austrian guy, he dropped the F-word and the presenters fell over themselves to apologise lest they be "taken off the air". Is that really such a big deal at 23:50 on BBC 3?

2003-05-23T16:09:00.000-07:00

Yeah, heard that story not too long ago actually, and strangely enough that's exactly how I treated my first computer for the first two or three months.

2003-05-22T08:31:00.000-07:00

Welcome back, Jesse!

Speaking of monkeys, you know they say that if you give typewriters to an infinite number of monkeys, they'll eventually produce the complete works of Klee? Well, someone tried it:

http://www.wired.com/news/culture/0,1284,58790,00.html

Key quote: "The lead male got a stone and started bashing the hell out of it. Another thing they were interested in was in defecating and urinating all over the keyboard."

Bought myself a digital camera a couple of weeks ago. Key discovery: it eats batteries like they're candy. Gonna have to fork out for an A/C adapter and some rechargables.

2003-05-15T00:28:00.000-07:00

Well, when I disapear for an extended period of time like that you know no good could be coming from it :)

I am actually losing weight, but unfortunately that's only come from my new eating habbits rather than from exercise. I need to get back on that horse soon but I fell off quite a while ago and the ground is much more comfortable than attempting to climb back up will ever be so I clearly have to overcome that truth.

As far as the sketch comedy group I'm in, we've continued to rehearse like good little monkeys and we've got a pretty good show put together and that's a good thing since we finally begin performing June 3rd. Things should begin to unfold fast and furious for the group now so that should be cool.

A couple weeks ago I went to a meeting set up by a local independent comic publisher. It was a meet and greet, networking, "this is who we are and what we want to do" kind of thing. I gave them some writing samples (for the next meeting I'm going to have to bring some actual comic scripts for them) and I thought they were pretty decent. I'm hoping to hear some feedback from them sometime but if I don't get anything by e-mail I should atleast get some kind of idea what they thought of it at the next meeting, atleast I hope they will have read some of it by then. Who knows.

Beyond that not a whole lot else going on. Saw X-2 and it rocked heartily. Going to see Reloaded in the morning, the Cowboy Bebop movie was sadly underwhelming, but wadda ya gonna do?

Anyway, this is me attempting to get back to posting more frequently whether I've got anything interesting to say or not. So expect to see from me again often, hopefully with something worth while to say every once in a while.

And rather than respond to everything that's been going on since last I visited I'll just lump all my reactions into this one paragraph and from here on out give everything new more detailed and worthy replys. Cool stuff JJF, welcome back Coot and I'm sorry for not responding to your e-mail reply in like a month Scotty, I'm just a lazy prick. There, that's that then.

Later.

2003-05-04T11:17:00.000-07:00

Decided to treat myself to a movie on PPV last night. Was hoping they'd have Spider-Man, but I'll have to wait for that so I ended up with the Scorpion King. (It was either that or Shallow Hal.) Most definately a brain-in-neutral flick, but fun for what it was, and an impressive number of explosions considering it was set thousands of years before the invention of gunpowder.

I can't believe those bastards at St Johnstone (Championship Manager 4 again) actually sacked me, after I got their poxy little team promoted back into the Premier League. But Huddersfield have given me a job; and with the team in receivership, no money for transfers and a bunch of overpayed players nobody wants to buy, my first act was to oversee the relegation to division 3.

2003-04-28T07:09:00.000-07:00

Joseph: "I actually have a dodgy connection thing now!"

That sentence is just crying out for a Holdenism, but I can't quite put my finger on the perfect phrase...

2003-04-25T20:34:00.000-07:00

Hola, individuals!!! I actually have a very dodgy connection thing now! You might even hear from me once a month!

2003-04-24T09:13:00.000-07:00

download.com want to charge me $79 to update my listing for SpamPal? What the {rude word censored}?!?!??!!!!?

2003-04-22T06:06:00.000-07:00

Not had much luck tuning into Jesse's radio show I'm afraid... the few times I've had time to try it, WinAmp wasn't able to connect. :-(

Speaking of music, I was channel-surfing on my cable box the other day when I was unfortunate enough to experience the new Kym Marsh song. Now, I'm no music critic, but I just can't believe they've actually given her the line "everyone knows my name" - there is surely _nothing_ more embarassing than D-list non-stars like Ms Marsh singing about being famous. _Nothing_. I mean... really.

Been playing Championship Manager 4 some more. The Wolves board sacked me, of course, as apparently getting promoted to the Premiership then guiding the team to 18th place with a third of the season left, just wasn't quite enough for them. So I've moved onto St Johnstone, where I find it easier to meet the board's expectations because they don't have any.

Your links of the day are:

http://www.thisistrue.com/ - This Is True
http://www.livejournal.com/users/paulobrien/ - Paul O'Brien's web-journal
http://spamradio.com/best/13_ft_ejac.m3u

2003-04-03T04:09:00.000-08:00

7am GMT? Woah, Jesse, I don't know what you do at that time of day but I do one of two things: sleeping like a baby or trying to sleep like a baby while my alarm clock explodes. ;) Fortunately we're on summertime now, and I think 7am GMT becomes 8am BST, and I might just be able to make that someday when I'm not at work. Let's see if my taste and your taste in music happen to coincide...

I think everyone can guess what I've been doing lately (www.spampal.org! 28,675 users! Nearly $850 in donations! Nearly $1,000 in expenses!), so I won't bore you with tales of my coding heroics. Suffice it to say that I'm making progress but there is still mucho work to do.

My dog died, actually. We had to put him to sleep because he couldn't stand, and he was getting increasingly vicious when I tried to move him. (I now have "a nice duelling scar to impress the ladies".) You might remember the dog, actually, Jesse; I pulled out of writing my match for an MCW card last time he was ill, only to end up writing someone else's match for the same card a few days later.

Treated myself to a couple of new computer games to cheer myself up after he died. Hitman 2 still sits in its wrapper unplayed, because the other game - Jedi Knight 2 - RULZ DA ERF! The light-sabre is MUCHO COOLO, but nothing beats running through a door, seeing a row of Imperial Stormtroopers, and using Special Jedi Powers of telekinesis to push them all over the edge of a cliff. :))))

No sooner had I played through to the end of that than something I'd had on order since last November arrived. Ah yes - Championship Manager 4! Took West Ham to sixth in the Premiership one year, and to the semi-finals of the UEFA Cup the next, and the bloody board still sacked me. BASTARDS! So I've moved onto managing Wolves.

Add to the list of things broken: my shoes and my cable TV box. Really must contact Telewest about the latter tonight, as when I press a button on the remote control it seems to think I've pressed three or four others as well. For example, I press '1' - and it automatically acts as though I've followed it up with '2', 'TV' and 'Info'. Just so long as it doesn't stop me watching Buffy...

War news: apparently the Home Secretary thinks that any journalist reporting from inside Iraq is irredeemably biased. Apparently we should all make do with the news our goverment gives us as they're acting in our best interests and would Never Ever Lie. Honest.

Not seen much TV lately. I did think the "Lying with Michael Jackson" thing on Comic Relief was surprisingly effective though - Rowan Atkinson is very believable as Martin Bashir, and Lenny Henry somehow pulls off a passable Michael Jackson, despite being black. Mind you, he did do that movie a while back where he's disguised as a white guy - what was that called? Whatever, I never saw it.

England 2 Turkey 0! Sorry, just wanted to shout about that.

2003-04-02T23:18:00.000-08:00

And two nights in a row now... This is getting increasingly less fun. Just need to start our own station is all :)

2003-04-01T23:29:00.000-08:00

Well fun, third night at Wicked Karma and I can't connect... Fun, oh just SUPER Fun! Yech, this sucks...

2003-03-29T17:52:00.000-08:00

Well, this has gotten awful lonely all the sudden. Anyway, workouts continue, all is going well enough.

The one thing I really wanted to mention though was that I'm going to be getting involved with an online radio station. Yes, quite rock. Sure, I could probably be heard by more people if I stuck my head out the window and sang about burning my crotch with a magnifying glass, but still... I'm gonna be on late nights, Monday - Friday (Or Sunday - Thursday depending how you want to look at it.) from 2 - 4 am Eastern. It was the only time slot they had open that really worked for me, it's 11pm - 1am locally. Please check it out starting either Sunday or Monday at www.liquidbuddha.net (Soon to be www.wickedkarma.com), all you need is an mp3 player, run by Winamp if you don't have one already. I'm going to be playing an eclectic genre spanning mix with a heaping dollop of comedy stuff slathered over the top. Should be fun, as long as I've got someone listening, it'd kind of suck to be on there all by myself but as I've said, this place is hardly drawing flies right now as far as I can see... I guess I can just say I'm getting in on the ground floor of something that will eventually be huge, and I'll keep saying that until I believe it, and if it doesn't work out, hell, it should be fun while it lasts. Come on out and tune in, it'll be fun damn it!

So that's it for me for now I guess, hope to hear from someone, ANYONE, later...

"I'm on the Internet, Radio. I'm on the Internet, Whoa-oh, Radio!"

2003-03-20T14:28:00.000-08:00

Ah Tournament time (Watch me completely ignore the "war", impressive I know), the only time I, and most of the planet, care about college basketball. This year I've spent most of my days watching Pardon the Interruption every afternoon on ESPN so I'm a little more informed than previous campaigns, though I still ended up with a mysterious final four, but that's the way it goes with me. We're a hand full of games into the tournament and my bracket is doing alright. As a matter of fact, I'm just 3 points from having a perfect bracket at this early juncture, damned Cal and Missouri screwed that up, but so far 5-2, not bad. Also in the books is Day 11 of the march to hotness. I can feel improvements as every day really I can do more and more of the exercises on the tapes, though I'm not sure if I'm seeing any visual results yet, but I'm being patient, it's only been 11 days.

Well, that's me again, hope someone's reading this and cared even a little bit. Preferably those on the members list here, it's been quite a while since I've heard from the rest of the Freakstick panel. I hope that's because they're all having so much success that they can't get to a computer to tell me about it... Hey, it's a possibility, don't look at me like that...

Klee is transparently opaque

2003-03-18T13:31:00.000-08:00

Gah, I hate joining these kind of games late, I think I'm just going to wait for the next new one... Maybe I'll spend the extra time I now have, oh I don't know, maybe writing or something... A novel idea I know...

2003-03-18T12:47:00.000-08:00

10% of the way there. Welcome to Day 9. I've continued to be faithful to the workout regimen but sadly yesterday I cheated as far as food goes, but really it's hard to call it cheating since I was planning on having one day a week where I could cheat anyway, but either way I still feel like an ass, because the one day I get something I love (Large, pepperoni/extra cheese pan crust from Pizza Hut (With free Cinni-Sticks of course... Oy...)) the bastards go and ruin it with way the hell too much sauce... Ah well, serves me right I guess. So today as form of punishment I'm going to relegate myself to mostly meal replacement glasses of juice. Take that poor self control!

I continue not to write, mostly because I'm lame, but this week's main excuse is me trying to get into ARGs (Alternate Reality Games) you know, things put together like Majestic and the AI game that started with circled letters on the back of the AI movie posters. I love these kinds of things but I'm discovering that my mind is as sharp as a fresh biscuit lately. I'm so out of my league in my current state of stupid. The game I'm trying to catch up with right now is Chasing the Wish unfortunately it started at the end of February so I'm already very behind and trying to catch up. And while I didn't want to cheat to catch up I checked out a couple message boards and found the answers to the first two puzzles and it's probably good that I did cheat because I felt very dumb looking at the solutions people came up with... I'm such a dulled blade right now it's very very sad...

Anywho, rehearsal tonight, it's going to be mostly improv games so hopefully I'll have some fun. And that's it for now, talk to you later, or I'll continue talking at nothing, either way I'll probably be back around again soon... Later.

Klee is a form fitting poly/cotton blend...

2003-03-14T15:57:00.000-08:00

And the march to fitness continues, day 5, I continue to use the tapes every morning and I've kept myself as honest with my eating as I can. I did find some great treats in the form of Dreyer's Frozen Yogurt and No Sugar Added Ice Cream, 0 fat and only 90 and 100 calories per 1/2 cup serving respectively. The three small meals with two intermittent snacks has helped to keep the portions small and I'm honestly giving every effort to keep the meals themselves reasonably healthy. So in 85 more days I should be one sexy bitch if all continues to go well :) And if all DOES go well I'll share my disgusting before pictures along side my studly after shots :)

Unfortunately my writing brain has still yet to return and I'm doing nothing individually creative, which is painful but I'll just have to tough it out, it'll return, my creative membrane has just been pinned under mounds of fat for the last three years or so rendering me creatively impotent... I continue to fight the good fight though.

Anyway, that's me again sharing with the cosmos, hope all is well with ye and yorn. The rain has just FINALLY started here, only a couple days later than forecast of course, so now I'm going to sit here with the windows open waiting and praying for Thunder, hot damn do I love thunder :) Anyway, talk to you later.

Klee is moist and supple.

2003-03-12T23:29:00.000-08:00

Went out and saw Chicago today, just 'cause... It was eh... Just senselessly overhyped solely because it's a musical, I don't get that honestly. Not that I hated it, it was alright. Zeta-Jones was surprisingly amazing, Zellweger was passable, a better dancer than Jones but not quite the singer, Gere was his usual presence lacking bore and I wasn't a fan of his voice and John C. Reilly was sadly all around blah. Liked Gangs of New York more, but liked 25th Hour most of the Fall/Winter movie crop... And that's it for Klee at the movies...

2003-03-12T13:06:00.000-08:00

Howdy Universe, how's things? I'm doin' alright. I continue to get more and more comfortable with the sketch group I'm working with, It's only taken a couple months, but that's the way things work with me. I've been going in every Tuesday and Thursday since some time around January I think, and apparently we're going to be doing a show sometime in the next few weeks, I've got a couple small parts in a couple sketches, I'm a "Featured player", meaning not quite a real cast member but someone then can use when they need another body, which is cool, I got involved for the improv troupe they were putting together anyway, but that kind of imploded a little while back which explains why I'm where I am with them... Anyway... I'm having fun and trying to learn from people who actually know how to act, so things're fairly cool in that end of my life.

Also, growing even more tired of my frightening size I decided to take my fat into my own hands, er... well, you know what I mean.

I talked with my mom one weekend while wading through infomercials at work and had her watch this one for "Power 90". Now, I know I'm a sucker, but I thought this one might work for me. It's basically a 90 day intensive exercise program. Now I could do any exercise for 90 days and get results, hell, you do anything for a couple months and it's going to do something, my problem was scheduling myself. I need to be told when and exactly what to do every day so I thought I'd try this thing, my mom also apparently liked it so she bought it and I asked to use it till she was able to (She's pregnant again, due in May, so yes, I'm going to have a SECOND brother over 20 years younger than me, which is odd, but it's a longish story.) So a long story, well, long I guess now that I look at it, I've just finished day three of my workouts, only 87 to go. In conjunction I'm controlling my eating, smaller portions spaced throughout the day, and it's a lot easier than it's been before. Though I'd still kill each and every one of you for a pizza, but I'll deal with that...

Anyway, just thought I'd check in and say hey and let the galaxy know what I've been up to. Klee W. Freakly over and out... KEEP WATCHING THE SKIES!!!

2003-02-28T00:35:00.000-08:00

A very cool little distraction, the computer actually holds it's own pretty well... Try 20q.net!

2003-02-26T15:39:00.000-08:00

Howdy ya'll... Hope things are going well for one and all, I'm just waving to the crowd for no real good reason. I don't have anything new to share, my wheels continue to spin aimlessly, since losing a third of my income to corporate mismanagement trickle down known as "downsizing" not too long ago I've regressed to an even more hermiticus state of poordom and I continue to steadily grow more bitter by the day, but I'm still kickin'. Things could be worse by a damn sight so I don't have any room to complain. Hopefully soon I'll do something interesting again and will attempt to share it with the universe. Shouldn't be too long really.

I started on trying to animate part one of the Legend of Stuff but as with everything I do I just kind of started flailing in the direction of creativity without much forethought or planning so that quickly became frustrating. I'll work on gathering everything into a cohesive strategy and get back to work on that soon...

I know I've been mumbling about it for the better part of the last 3 or 4 years, but really, I'm going to turn things around soon, honest :)

Later all.

2003-02-20T01:38:00.000-08:00

Could I trouble any of you folks to give me feedback on anything I ever post here anymore? You're the only audience I have, and I'm not just doing this stuff for myself :) I'd like to know what you thought of the shirt designs and even though I know it's nothing to look at now I'd like to hear any feedback you might have on the Legend of Stuff character designs, it's all about give and take folks :)

Anyway, that's me for now, haven't done anything since the last tinkering I did with the flash stuff and I'm again thinking about buying some of the shirts up there.

Also I got something from CafePress saying they're going to have a print on demand publishing thing coming soon, would anyone be interested in actual spell checked, proofread, bound, paper MCW cards/interview packets? Suitable for travel and on the go hilarity! I dunno, just something I was considering when they mentioned it. I don't expect anyone to think it's a good idea, just throwing stuff out there for people to think about...

Anyway, I'm gone. Later.

2003-02-18T02:04:00.000-08:00

Me playing with Flash... Be affraid? They're all just a couple of designs I threw together, nothing's final, hell I don't even know if I'm going to be doing any more with 'em, just needed something to use as test subjects... I'm clearly still learning but it's coming along, could "MCW: The Animated Adventures" be too far behind? :) Enjoy or not...

Edited 2/18/2003 2:36:31 PM

Now with HOT BLINKING ACTION!!!

Edited 2/18/2003 3:23:44 PM

Sound added for texture, unfortunately making it almost 1 meg in size... More research needed...

Edited 2/18/2003 3:55:21 PM

Added more ambient sounds, should really stop dicking around with pointless things and work on actual animation...

2003-02-16T08:40:00.000-08:00

How the fuck do you break a dog's back end?

And no, that is not a rhetorical question.

(Vanishes back into the shadows.)

2003-02-13T11:03:00.000-08:00

The Tenacious D movie is coming, and as if that weren't already rock enough, it's going to be directed by one of the guys behind Sifl & Olly... DOUBLE ROCK!!! I don't know what I've done to deserve such a gift but I thank which ever god is delivering upon me such a fine and noble thing...

2003-02-13T06:32:00.000-08:00

Q. What do you call a man with no ears?

A. Earless.

(Get it? It's one of those jokes that's funny because it isn't funny!)

The most surreal thing I've seen all week has to be the new Gareth Gates video. Guest-starring the Kumars. Yes, I know it's for charity, but evenso...

Could whoever put the curse on me lift it, please? So far this year the following has broken:
my mug
my glasses
my VCR
my monitor
my kitchen cupboard door
my dog's back end

This can't be coincidence... can it?

(OMG, a Spice Girls song is on the radio! ARRRGGGHHHH!!!)

2003-02-08T17:53:00.000-08:00

If you don't have a computer, why do you need to know the Sims money cheat? What is wrong with you Cootly!? Where the freak are you? You know how to find a library for shit's sakes! And I think it's "rosebud" for what it's worth...

2003-02-08T12:11:00.000-08:00

Yo Jones!!! Yet another random dispatch from my Net-less arse!!! And in case I do somehow get back around before I find the book, what's the freaking Sims money cheat?
I do not remember it . . .

2003-01-30T13:26:00.000-08:00

Looking for a place to go to unwind and take your mind off the hustle and bustle of the daily grind. Well pack those bags and come on down to The Incorporated States of WuFco Enterprises! Once you get here you may never want to leave, which will be helpful since you wouldn't be allowed to anyway... Er...

2003-01-27T23:39:00.000-08:00

Cooooooooot? Oh Coo-oooo-oooooooooooot? Where art thou oh Cootsie Cootly Coot?

2003-01-24T00:15:00.000-08:00

Anyone else got an unbearable itch? I mean, is it just me or... Seriously... anyone else feel that? Don't cha just wanna scratch the shit out of it? I didn't think I'd feel that itch again but lately a serious rash has begun to develop... Is it just me? Or is anyone else a little "itchy"?

Seriously :)

(If it doesn't make sense at first, just give it a little thought, I think you know what I'm talking about...)

2003-01-17T22:15:00.000-08:00

Never mind, I found it...

2003-01-17T14:42:00.000-08:00

Anyone know what font the MCW (The one on the announcers polo) logo is? It's been so long since I made it I have no idea what font it is and I'm having a hell of a time finding it. If anyone recognizes it please help me :) Later.

2003-01-14T13:52:00.000-08:00

Working on a page that brings together all of our items under one roof rather than having to play by CafePress' rules. Behold the MCW Shop Zo- er... Purchase Sector!

2003-01-09T01:43:00.000-08:00

Well, it kept me up a lot longer than I'd have liked but I think it may be worth it. Grab those credit cards folks because WuFco Enterprises in co-operation with Pipsa© Cola are proud to bring you...

Dipstick Wear

With my first design for a Town Line Rumble T-Shirt. Check it out and let me know what you think. I know I need to buy one :)

Later.

Klee is Mountain Fresh...

2003-01-08T16:47:00.000-08:00

Oh presently, yon be of which I speak!

er...

Now that's what I'm talkin' about!

2003-01-08T14:07:00.000-08:00

Well, that formatted nothing like I thought it would. Still...

2003-01-08T14:06:00.000-08:00

For no reason other than Just Because...

The Legend of Stuff - Part Lucky 7

The wise, wealthy and unfeasibly bearded Flimshaw was the first to break the silence induced by a late evening breakfast of pork, beans, and more pork.

"So we're on a quest to find the missing consonants from my tripewriter, is that right?"

"In many, many ways, ways too numerous to be.. numbered... yes.. and no.", Bumble offered.

"Meaning?"

"No."

"Oh." There was a pause and a beanly fart. "In that case...", Flimshaw pondered.

"What ARE we looking for?"

"The thought had occured to me, yes.", Flimshaw said, still mourning the vandalisation and besmirchment of the writing implement which had belonged to his father, and his father's father, and his father's father's father, who had won it from someone else's father's father's father in a tragic and suspiciously-rigged game of Strip Go Fish back in Ought Six.

Bumble Norknork thought it over.

"Well, since we've spent more time picking up cast members with seemingly little or no relevance to the plot..."

They looked as one at Flimshaw and Gribble, who shrugged and ate pork.

"...than actually advancing said plot, perhaps we should simply each state what we hope to find, and concoct the answers into some kind of coherent scheme?"

This suggestion met with shrugs. And the eating of pork.

"I'm looking for my missing consonants.", Flimshaw opined.

"Enlightenment and fundamental truths.", Vrig added.

"Pork."

"Bort."

Bumble sighed wearily.

"Bearing in mind, then, that all of these suggestions are irrelevant at best and downright ludicrous at worst, I propose that we continue our attempts to investigate the mysterious objects falling in Smile County. Do I have a second for this motion?"

"Bort."

"Close enough."

Bumble tossed his bone - indeed, for he had scraped it clean of it's pork meat - and stood, looking incredulously at the sign merely feet from their primitive camp, a sign which they had, for reasons known only to the evil narrator of this tripe, missed.

CUDDLE TOWNSHIP, SECTION 19. THAT-A-WAY. DUMMY.

Using all of his investigative and imaginative powers, Bumble formed a plan so cunning in it's devision and execution that it would shame the most cunning of cunning creatures, for example a fox wearing a Groucho Marx-style false face and chin putty. This was his plan...

"Let's go to Cuddle Township. They found stuff there, didn't they?"

Vrig, Flimshaw, Bort and Gribble belched unilaterally in agreement, although Vrig had one small concern.

"Don't you mean... Stuff?"

Sensing that the difference between a capital and small 's' may prove crucial at some point later, Bumble agreed.

"Onwards!"

[To be continued. Or something.]

2003-01-07T17:03:00.000-08:00

Took you this long to finally get around to checking out Seanbaby, this hurts me, it wounds me deep, cuts me to the quick and so on... So far my new year had been going fairly smoothly but today I fell into a non-productive pothole, which really isn't THAT bad considering I'd managed to be productive every day for the first 6 days of the year at least. But I've still got a few hours here so I'm going to see if I can't possibly still turn this day around. Maybe I'll just read from my new stack of Sci-fi magazines/digests and be angry that these uninteresting bastards are selling their stories while I'm sitting here doing nothing to help my cause and possibly make myself less angry... I'm dizzy now... To sum up, only I can help me...

I've become part of the music industry's scapegoat. I've been downloading albums recently rather than buying crap albums. I download the album and find that there's only a song or maybe two that I like and I feel good that I didn't buy the crappy thing. It's not the internet's fault that album sales are down it's the music industry's fault for turning away from albums and focusing more on singles. I'll buy a good album, but I'm not going to buy an entire album for one or two songs anymore. Hopefully music industry stupidity will bankrupt it's self and we can crawl out from the rubble and possibly do it right next time.

Other than that, boredom reigns supreme over here. Now you go pick up that latest Legend of Stuff installment and you contribute something coherent and we'll have something to do around here! :)

Later...

2003-01-02T12:30:00.000-08:00

Hi ho, one and all. Belated and usual apologies for not being... uh... here, but eh, what can ya do? Hope the holidays have found you all well and good and in no way molesting barnyard animals. Without prior written consent. Or something. Well, hell, Uncle Jones, in your honor I finally got around to checking out Seanbaby.com today. Mang, that is quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life, funnier even than TheOnion (which I must also thank you for turning me on to, BTW). I've found myself quite inspired tonight after perusing seanbaby at length, if only I had something creative and/or funny to say. Have made a New Year resolution though to be more active in this forum this year _and_ to at least try to get the old juices (steady, Holden!) flowing again.

Been checking out a lot of goodly stuff on CD over the holidays too. Bought Springsteen (which is surprisingly good considering it's HIM), The Coral - which is utterly fantastic psychedelic rock, James Taylor's Greatest Hits, and "acquired" a ton of good things, Best of Sabbath double, Best of Floyd double, Best of Smooth Jazz (although it's more chilled out soul), The Doves, The Hives, David Gray, Moby, Alicia Keys, Norah Jones... all good. Figured my CD collection could use a little boost.

Oh, and watched Isaac Hayes live in Germany on the Performance Channel. A thing of beauty, my friends. The gig, that is, not Isaac. Although...

2002-12-31T17:02:00.000-08:00

Hey, if I could come up with a design for the Town Line Rumble shirts you could bet they'd be there :)

And on a side note... WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU KEEPING YOURSELF!?! Come back to us you flaming Dipstick!

Happy 2003 all...

2002-12-31T10:59:00.000-08:00

Hey, no Town Line Rumble shirts? I know I'm perma-AWOL, but honor my creation! :)

And do y'all think that Outlet would be interested in MCW for it'sdebut lineup? It is campy, and we have Holden, of course . . . Just think of the bodysuit sales alone.:)

I'm out ...

2002-12-25T08:17:00.000-08:00

A Merry Christmas to all and to all a good freak... Ho ho ho's to thee and thyne this day of merriment and joviality recognition and rememberance. May the underside of your tree be filled and slopping with goodies deserved or not, and may the next counted cycle of incriments of our (laughable, highly inaccurate and ultimately futile understanding of) time in the archaic manner as handed down from ages gone by as means of keeping appointments, scheduling payments and attempting to tie a little piece of the universe to something that would fit into our own limited understanding, be a damn sight better than the last. Joy to the world, let it be, rock steady, jimjam to the power of nine, and whoomp there it is...

Love each other and let your freak light shine through the darkness of human stupidity, it will always guide you true. LOVE ME!!!

Later :)

2002-12-17T13:15:00.000-08:00

While I'm here, Happy Berf Day Scotty McB! Joyous and merrily and what have yee...

2002-12-14T17:08:00.000-08:00

And a merry Cold Wet Maroon Proctologist to yee and thyne and such. I've been stumped for what other MCW related items to make for your purchas-tainment. I've tried a couple Butt Punch designs but I'm just not thrilled with either so far. Any other suggestions are more than welcome.

As for a little update on my selfitude: I continue to fritter away my precious time on this shiny blue rock, but soon I'll be entertaining tens of people. In a couple week now I'll start rehearsal with my new improv troupe and come February we should begin performing. Yay me, I suppose. It's been a couple months since the last group I played with sort of disolved so I'm rusty and anxious to get back at it. I'm also going to be writing for a sketch troupe that will be performing in the same venue, so I can technically claim to be a professional writer soon since they'll be paying me for my sketches.

Other than that still very little going on in my neck of the woods. But atleast I'm not dead I guess, though I could probably be argued against on that point. Nice to hear from you again JJF, and don't think I'm not concidering some undies :) Now that I've finally caught up on my bills I think I'm going to dive into Klee's Ye Olde MCW Shoppe and the Aardvarksmen Attitude shops with both feet, I needs me some 9 Aardvarksmen shirts and I want to see the puzzled looks of people who see my "Try taking MY pills!" shirt... Again, any and all suggestions are welcome for future products.

So that's about it I guess, talk to you groovy cats later.

2002-12-13T08:17:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm sure as hell buying a polo shirt at least! (Actually, I had a message it had shipped today... hideously expensive to the UK of course, but I was buying some stuff from my own shop as a test so I just added it to the order).

Incidentally, not MCW-related but if anyone wants SpamPal-approved underwear, try http://www.cafeshops.com/spampal

Today's link of the day is http://www.unspeakablystupid.com/

Today's word of the day is "proctologist"

Today's colour of the day is maroon

Today's weather is cold and wet

Today is Friday 13th

WAAH!

2002-12-05T11:57:00.000-08:00

If I was making anything off of it it would all go to you :) But all of those prices are the base price for the items, I wanted it to be as affordable to all as possible, and as soon as I possibly can I'm going to be buying a lot of it :)

2002-12-04T12:58:00.000-08:00

Sir, I do believe you owe me hard cash should you actually sell any of this crap.

2002-11-23T17:42:00.000-08:00

MORE free time inspired insanity!

The Aardvarksmen Attitude Shop!

Every day reality seems to slip farther and farther from my grasp :)

2002-11-20T01:36:00.000-08:00

Got WAY too much time on my hands and I whipped up this.

Klee's Ye Olde MCW Shoppe

If these products don't just say Merry Christmas I don't know what does :) I'm gonna have to buy 'em myself.

Anyway, think I'll hit the sack, maybe contribute something more substanative later.

2002-11-12T17:55:00.000-08:00

They said it couldn't be done, or probably more accurately they said it shouldn't be done, and honestly, I never thought it would be done, but here it is, to be seen with thyne very own ocular viewifiers... The Legend of Stuff... Part 6...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The Legend of Stuff

(Continued, part 6...)

Gribble loved nothing more than the taste of flesh. Any kind would do. Stringy, meaty, gamy, rotting, it didn't matter to Gribble. Why quibble thought Gribble, flesh is flesh, flesh is tasty, and tasty is yum.

One afternoon while skipping through the rolling hills of Cheerful valley Gribble came upon a random pile of meat. While if he had given it any thought, Gribble might have noticed how out of place this unclaimed meat was in Vegan county, but Gribble paid little mind, he had no intention of leaving this flesh uneaten any longer than possible, who knows, the owner may show up at any moment and a second to dally might cost Gribble his lovely catch.

Quickly parting his face of hair Gribble began to devour his found pile. No sooner had Gribble tucked into his first shank than he began to feel drowsy. Not a hand full of chews in Gribble fell fast asleep.

Gribble dreamed lovely dreams of a land where he was unquestioned ruler of all things great and small. Nightly his subject would cobble together a statue in the likeness of Gribble made entirely from pork. This evening though his subjects did a poor job of recreating his prehensile beard and the land was punished with a carnival of death. Oh the carnage and evils brought upon his grovlings. The death and destruction warmed his blue heart, the screams, how they echoed in his ears, walking through the streets, ankle deep in blood, pealing off the skin of his foes and eating the first born of every 4th family.

He was unimaginably cruel and despicable, but fair.

Unfortunately Gribble was soon stirred from his idyllic fantasy world by a gathering of misfits.

"My apologies for the deception Gribble," Bumble Norknork said. "We have need of your expertise and could think of no other way to attract you."

"Luring me with sleep inducing meat is simply not very civilized," Gribble replied in a huff. "To say nothing of the plain cruel, mean spiritedness of the thing. Had simply asking me not crossed your collective minds?"

Bumble exchanged quizzical glances with his band of travelers, Vrig, Bort and Otterlee Flimshaw. They shared a shrug and Bort spoke up.

"Bort!"

"Now you watch your mouth there you," Gribble snapped back. "There's no need for that kind of thing."

"We apologize again Gribble," Bumble said, quickly stepping in. "We hadn't imagined you'd be so touchy."

"You just don't fiddle with a man's meat is all."

An awkward silence followed before Bumble spoke again.

"Please Gribble, we need your help, our unwieldy troupe requires your addition that we may perhaps begin something resembling forward motion in the remote direction of a conclusion to our vague quest."

"Vague quest you say?" Gribble replied. "Well, count me amongst your bedraggled ranks then sir, there's nothing like a vague meandering quest with little direction or forethought to stir the soul."

"We knew we could count on you Gribble," Vrig chimed in. "Now, if we can avoid taking on any more extraneous peripheral companions or engaging in any more confusing, derailing side tracks, perhaps we can actually get something productive done!"

"Huzzah!" The gathered throng of adventurers yelped in unison. Perhaps they would now indeed make headway in their journey... Perhaps they would now indeed...

2002-10-10T19:48:00.000-07:00

I'm ashamed to admit that I completely missed our 6th Freakaversary a couple days ago, though technically any time between the 7th and the 10th is still a valid day of observance...

Well, things continue to trudge along over here. Recently I read Stephen King's book "On Writing" and it's actually helped a little. To know that someone else out there actually rights the same way I do (Without outlines and kind of free flowing), and someone rich at that, kind of helps. And I pulled a couple ideas out of the book along the way. For one, I've transformed my walk in closet into an office space. And I've also decided to try selling short stories. I hadn't even given it a thought before but he goes on in there about how he and others he knows started by selling short stories to magazines and stuff. I honestly hadn't even thought about it. So I picked up a stack of sci-fi magazines and digests to get an idea of what the market looks like and for the last couple weeks I've been trying to work my way through 'em. I'm thuroughly unimpressed.

There's been maybe two stories that I've actually liked, a couple that have been ok, and a whole lot of crap. So on one hand I feel pretty confident in my chances of being able to sell something in this market, and at the same time I'm just thuroghly depressed by what I'm seeing. Just weak characters, predictable stories, tired devices, poor social commentary... Just sad sad sad. And I'm not sure if it's just me or what. Maybe I'm just being overly critical. Either that or this stuff just genuinely sucks, not sure.

So that's me right now. Talk to you later.

2002-09-26T00:32:00.000-07:00

I don't remember the cats ever having any problems with you, any disputes I should know about? :)

And It's amazing how many people were fooled by Contest Searchlight. I hope you haven't actually seen an episode and still believe it was real. No, it was Dennis Leary mocking reality shows in general and Project Greenlight in particular and it's truely incredible how well he fooled everyone, he had me for a second...

2002-09-21T08:23:00.000-07:00

I is seriously considering it . . . But not quite yet . . . And I assumed the cats would be opposed? :)

BTW, did you enter that crap Comedy Central contest? Hopefully, not with MCW, though, as they'd have killed it beyond all recognition . . .

Hopefully, I'll see this before like Christmas . . .

2002-09-11T01:46:00.000-07:00

Hey Coot. Wanna move back in? I'll try not to be such a dick this time :)

Honestly, a serious offer. If you want it come on 'round.

2002-09-09T12:05:00.000-07:00

Holy crap basket! COOT LIVES!!!

2002-09-09T09:15:00.000-07:00

Ain't got the 'Net right now . . . When I do, I'll be back around with a vengeance . . .

2002-08-03T04:36:00.000-07:00

Well see, this is what I get for not posting in so long. If I had tried to post in the last two weeks I would have seen that Scotty had graced us with his presence, while not publishing he had at least posted, and I would have seen that if I'd made an effort to share my own nonsense with the class... Sorry about that, I'll try to hang around a little more.

Firstly, glad to see you're still around Scotty, and I had suspected you were probably busy with the results of your frightening virility. And I'm glad to hear Atkins is still working for you, sadly, I'm a slave to pasta and I just haven't been able to stick with it.

I finally got a new laptop Wednesday. I managed to find a pretty nice little deal, a Athlon 1500+, 128 DDR, DVD-Rom, for only $799 before tax... Not a bad little deal, but the video card seems to be pretty weak, it wasn't having much fun trying to keep up with Black & White. For the last couple weeks I've been re-immersed in the world of Magic The Gathering what with it's new Online release. So far I've been able to keep myself from spending too much money, but Wizards has itself a pretty genius little set up with this game. First they sold all these cards to people in comic shops or where ever you found them, and now that that market is drying up they've found a way to make all these people buy all of those cards again... It's brilliant... But I'm getting tired of playing non-tournament games online with assholes who build annoying pussy little decks. But other than all that, I've been doing very little with my time, as usual.

Nice to see your software is finally out JJF, hope it goes well, and I'm guessing I'll see you on Sims Online in a few months huh? :) I've been waiting for that game for ages now, that and Star Wars Galaxies.

One thing I've kind of been worried about lately is the status of Coot. He hasn't been around here for ages and both of his addys have been shut down due to inactivity. I hope he's alright and I'd really like to hear from him again some day soon.

Thanks for the compliment on the comic JJF, it was kind of a test run for me to see what it might look like and I guess it's alright. And if I had any actual artistic talent I'd have more comics by now :) I wanted to do this comic strip because it meant I'd only really have to draw maybe 1 picture of every character, don't give me too much credit :) I haven't touched my site in quite a while now, not sure what I'm going to do, but now that I have my laptop I should be doing more with it.

And Scotty, I'll take a crack at the Legend of Stuff this afternoon, and if your mentions of Family Guy and Freddy Got Fingered are you giving me examples of your idea of high comedy then maybe I don't want you to touch LoS ever again you evil bastard! :) Kidding of course, but honestly, if those are favorites of yours I just want to hit you, hard and often :)

Later all...

2002-08-02T04:13:00.000-07:00

Well, I had to buy new memory chips, a new power supply and a new heatsink to go with my new processor and motherboard, but I've finally got it all assembled and working. I now have an Athlon XP 2000 machine, that actually runs the Championship Manager 2000/01 demo at a playable speed! I think I'll wait for Championship Manager 4 before I fork out any cash and actually buy it, though.

Also going at a good speed now: Black and White, The Sims and Extreme Warfare Revenge.

Pretty cool comic, Jesse; I wish I could draw. And letter.

My spamfiltering tool has had its grand release (http://www.spampal.org.uk/) and is slowly gaining users. I AM TAKING OVER THE WORLD, MUAHAHAHAHA!!! :) It's quite demanding of my time though, as there's still lots that needs doing.

Plus I still have to take the NWA beyond the WWE in Extreme Warfare.

My lawns need mowing again. Anyone want a weekend job cutting grass?

Jim.

2002-07-15T02:20:00.000-07:00

I looked in a hole in the ground, and I DID find my own ass. To all those who doubted me, I say Nya-Nya-Nya-Nya-Nyaaaa!! Or something. So, anyway, I'm all back and stuff, with nothing more substantial to offer by way of an apology than "Uhhhhh....". I've been pretty much immersed in home-related stuff like DIY, decorating and gardening when the rain stops for more than an hour - how bout them British summers, Jimbo? - and shedding pounds on Atkins (Jesse, once again, thank you, you big hairy pile of love). I'm now hovering around 168, still a good 20 lbs shy of target, but way better than the 225 I started with. Course, I had to buy new jeans again. Oh, and we added to the family unit again - a large, slobbery boxer named Ben. I also had to buy a bigger car. For obvious reasons. Random thoughts: someone add to LoS, don't make me do it again, I suck. Jesse, have you ever watched Family Guy? Freddy Got Fingered... thoughts? Be in touch, won't you?

2002-07-06T07:51:00.000-07:00

Hail children of the Klee... How the hell is everyone?

Firstly thanks for checking out the page JJF (and as for the computer stuff, I dunno, I'm thinking of trying a Mac next myself...), I don't know when the last time you checked was but I've continued to tinker with it and I've got my test comic up for the strip I'm playing with. Just something to see how it'll work, I invite everyone to check out the page while I'm playing with it. I still don't know exactly what I'm going to do with it. I want to do a humor site, but at the same time I want some place to put my serious stuff up. I'm going to be buying a digital camera probably sometime in the next week and I'm going to be using that both for comedy stuff and to try and dabble in some semi-serious photography. So as you can see I'm still not sure what I'm doing. Maybe if I get myself a URL that'll kinda prod me forward since I'd be wasting money on the site it might give me incentive to do something with it... I dunno...

Of course we're all busy with various things, be it Scotty's frightening virility, or Coot's random wanderings, but we're all curious to know what everyone's up to. Don't feel like you have to have something profound to say everytime you say hi here, if you've only got time to drop a line or two to say you're still alive that's all we need, it's been too long since I've heard from the two examples up there but also the rest of the people who've been invited here. So like I say, don't think you have to dazzle us with your brilliance every time you stop by, we know who you are, you don't have to impress anyone here. Just say hey if you get a moment.

Hope to talk to all of you later...

Keep watching the skies!

Klee is Effervescent.

2002-06-23T07:50:00.000-07:00

Cool logo, Jesse. I'm not sure about red text on a black background. though.

I need a new PC. My 400Mhz AMDK6-2 was the bee's knees a few years ago but now it's more like the ant's belly. I can't afford a whole new machine, so I was kinda thinking about ripping out the processor and motherboard and replacing it with a spanky Athlon 1.4Ghz on a motherboard to match. What do you think; might that take me to the moon?

Meanwhile, I still play Ultra Cricket (play-by-email cricket management sim), and I've not won any of my last 24 test matches. To give a little perspective, we play one test a week, and a full season is only 16 test matches. So to say the least, my team is crap.

And now I have to go mow my lawns. I hate grass.

Take care, and stuff.

Jim.

2002-06-19T06:10:00.000-07:00

Been doing a little more playing recently, still fiddling with ideas for my own humor site, a little while back I gave you my first step towards a home page, now today I've got a little more, it's still not much, but it's more than before. I'm really digging my logos, it's nice to come up with something cool and completely hand made. Anyway, check out what I've got so far here and see what you think.

Another side note I meant to mention last time, Scampini, who some of you may know, is trying to get PEZ (An old Parody e-Fed) going, with the plan of an ultra light work load of 1 card a month. If anyone's interested (I'm still kicking the idea around) check out his new site.

And that's all for me, later.

2002-06-16T11:35:00.000-07:00

Well we've now got 6 people roped into this place, freaks from the glory days of freakdom... Oh how we had primes... *sniff*

It's cool to have you guys all here, it should at least keep us semi in touch, hopefully. For the new guys and as a reminder for the rest of us, this is a completely open forum for all of us to shoot the shit or ramble aimlessly on what ever tickles your scrote.

I personally am on the low end of one of my famous violent mood swings. Not happy being me at the moment, and I’m at no loss for reasons. But I always hate to bore the rest of you with my mental instabilities, so instead I'll distract you with a shiny object.

The Legend of Stuff!

For those of you who aren't Coot, Scotty or I, The Legend of Stuff is a little collaborative writing thingamajig we started a long time ago and have for the most part long since abandoned. Well, now that we've got a couple more folks I thought I'd re-introduce it as a way of inviting new contributions.

So below I'll give you the first 5 parts of The Legend of Stuff, if you feel so inclined, jump right in and take the story on it's next leg, if I don't see anything in the next couple days I'll do one myself. I'm just trying to get everyone involved in something remotely creative, because some of us just aren't doing enough of that now a days...

Anyway, here we go...

Sunday, November 18, 2001

The Legend of Stuff

Bumble Norknork worked at Fluffy Things Inc. the largest manufacturer of fluffy things in all of Sparkle Village. All of the Fluffy Things Inc. workers were happy and jolly and sickeningly cheerful all the time. Bumble was not. Bumble was sure he was meant for bigger things.

Bumble would take the Happy Trolly home from the Fluffy Things warehouse, winding down Giggle Street and the fuzzy nummy trees in Giggle Park. Over Grin Bridge and into Lovable Heights, where Bumble lived alone in a tiny little house with a tiny little patch of lawn and a tiny little mortgage and a tiny little septic tank backup and a tiny little crack in it’s foundation and a tiny little sink hole in his back yard.

Bumble wondered why he wasn’t happy like the rest of the people in Sparkle Village. Bumble had his macramé, Bumble had soldier of fortune magazines and ammo of the month club membership, Bumble had his favorite opinionated talk radio show every afternoon, “That Ziffy Rinse, he says what we all think.” But Bumble still wasn’t happy.

Today was just like any other day, Bumble had just finished polishing his Mort Yezub 39th Anniversary Commemorative Cork Screw Collection and was feeding his family of miniature unicorns when someone knocked on the doorbell…

posted by Jesse Jones 11:05 AM

Tuesday, November 20, 2001

The Legend of Stuff
(continued...)

... and was feeding his family of miniature unicorns when someone knocked on the doorbell…

Bumble was all a flutter, a tingle from the bottom of his bipedal locomotors to the tips of his emotive antennae. He had not been expecting visitors but the odor of marble varnish and fresh tar that barged into his home as if it were there to claim his house as it’s own left no question as to who was just outside.

“Vrig!” Bumble exclaimed, thwacking his meaty thing grabbers and holders together to produce the dull angry moo of flesh meeting flesh. “My dear old friend, how I have missed you! What brings you by?”

“Pardon my good friend Bumble,” Vrig answered from outside, “I am finding it hard to hear you, to say nothing of the near impossible feat of seeing you, what with this door still betwixt us and all.”

“Oh the silliness!” Bumble replied. “You must think me quite the fool.”

“Dumb as a pant full of clams Bumble, and still the door impedes.”

“I will get ever to that Vrig my friendliest of friendly acquaintances.”

Vrig waited calmly outside, the yellow fur on his chest heaving over a sigh.

Bumble scratched his brain holder/face mount lost deep in thought, a thousand fleeguls away in his own little world. A world filled with pink skinned people scurrying too and fro, hurriedly from one appointment to the next. From home to work back home and to work again. Every day the people would continue their sad little routines, working tirelessly nearly a third of their life, sometimes longer for 40 or 50 years, for very little in return or reward, their work going mostly if not entirely unnoticed before they are finally allowed to stop working and “enjoy” the remainder of their lives, being forgotten and discarded by the very family that they birthed and raised, and spending their waning days eating food meant for their pets in order to survive to another day only to wish they hadn’t. What a silly man, what a zany world, what a rich imagination, for such a place to exist, it would boggle the mind!

“Excuse me in there, you ridiculous dimwitted nickel farmer! Open the door before I use your delay to exaggerate my wait with hyperbole of incredibly advanced aging!” Vrig called, playfully perturbed.

“I’m sorry old friend, just drifted off into my little world again.”

“Not that insanity about the people measuring their worth by the number of things they have?” Vrig queried, rolling his eyes at the very absurdity of such a world.

“Yes”

“And their impeding the progress of technological, historical and individual enlightenment simply because what they already know tells them that anything else is impossible and holding steadfast to the established knowledge simply because it is all they understand so it must therefore be all there is?”

“That’s the one” Bumble replied. “It just makes me laugh to imagine such a place. Now let me get that door for you.”

Then, just as Bumble pulled the door open to find his friend waiting outside they heard the whistling of something falling from the sky, a streak of scorched air screaming towards his home. Vrig clambered up the steps of Bumble’s porch and the two watched as the object cratered Bumble’s front lawn with a “Glorp”…

posted by Jesse Jones 3:43 AM

Tuesday, November 20, 2001

Part 3:

"Glorp!!!"

"What in the name of all that is fluffy is that?"

Bumble thought for a second, and another second, and yet another. It was at once square, octagonal, round, triangular, and amoeboid; green, blue, yellow, orange, purple, black, white, gray, and teal; and rough, smooth, striated, crenellated, and broken. It was covered in small white pellets . . .

Look, Bumble, it's covered in these little things. They're not fluffy. Kinda cushy, though."

"They're called "essnuts" . . . Only they're not really essnuts, they just call them that because they're shaped like one. When you gave me that nice disembowelment bayonet for my cousin's funeral, it came with these."

"So what you have is a really large pile of cushy imitation essnuts. They're not good for anything."

"I don't know, the unicorns seem to like piddling on them. It's time for Ziffy!"

"He's a crank. He's like you. He's not even happy."

A saxophone solo plays and the happy voice of announcer Gorsh Gorshoffspring comes over the wireless. "Hello, and welcome to The Contrary, Dissenting Radio Network. Today, on most of your CDRN stations, Ziffy Rinse is temporarily ill due to the fact that you squidgy fools aren't listening to his informed, high-quality, classic insights that raise your sorry selves from your own stupidity. Instead, we bring you a Ordinary Report on Mysterious Objects."

Bumble blurts out. "So, that's what this is!"

"No piddle, Bumble. To you, a round-ended writing instrument is a mysterious object."

Gorsh Gorshoffspring changed his/her voice back to the pheromone-inciting tones used for regular reporting. "Apparently, all over the landmass, mysterious objects have fallen from the sky. We will now take you to Cuddle Township, Section 19, where object expert Ludlow Prill is investigating."

"Yes, Gorsh, and may I say, you sound utterly ready for violent mating today. Here, we have found a containment device which, at first glance, appeared to be full of foam essnut-shaped objects. But instead, we have found that it contains many other objects, such as these recording tapes that we have yet to decode, several brightly colored small cheese plates with holes in the middle, lots of shiny rocks, and this thing that appears to be a floor covering, also brightly colored, which we believe is called a "Flokati rug", after the passage in the Prophet Nufin, which says "Better a small pterodactyl dropping on your floor than the dreaded Flokati rug." We advise everyone to panic after the fashion of the Seventh Letter of Debo to the Editor of the Holy Book, in which he advised screaming in joy, waving one's arms, and kissing each other."

Bumble and Vrig look at each other.

"You even close to mating phase?"

"No."

"But it is panicking . . ."

posted by Joseph Thompson 7:57 PM

Sunday, November 25, 2001

The Legend of Stuff
(continued, part 4...)

... Bumble and Vrig look at each other.

"You even close to mating phase?"

"No."

"But it is panicking . . ."

Suddenly there was movement from the object which had made it’s temporary home in Bumble’s lawn.

“What the jangle?” Vrig queried.

The two, Bumble and Vrig, moved closer to the crater, peering in at the greenish purple, bluish orange, grayly tinted yellowy black teal, shapeless roundish eight sided cubic triangle thingy.

“Maybe it’s going to open up and bestow upon us it’s creamy fillings of cheese plates and shiny rocks and the like, like the person who’s not Ziffy spoke of!” Bumble exclaimed with a meaty moo from his thwarking grabby holdy things.

“Aren’t we supposed to fear it and stuff?” Vrig replied somewhat warily.

“Oh,” Bumble quickly answered. “I’ve already wet myself enough for the pair of us a couple dozen times over-“

Bumble was interrupted again when the object cracked open and a shaft of light sprang from it and stretched out beyond the sky.

“And again my pants are filled.” Bumble shrugged.

The crack grew longer vertically then began to spread open until a figure emerged glowing a sleek shimmering lime tint. The figure stepped from its shell and spoke.

“Bort.”

“BORT!” Bumble exclaimed, throwing his shoulder danglers wide and embracing his old friend. “Why Bort, I haven’t seen you since last Broxteen Day’s Merriment and Joviality Carnival! You were running the Pet Inflation Stand and I was working the Incredible Centrifugal Nightmare! How have you been?”

“Bort. Bort boooortbort.” Bort replied in a bouncy monotone.

Vrig cocked his head in confusion.

“Bumble?” Vrig asked. “I can not seem to understand your friend Bort. Have I begun down a horrific path of madness that will only lead to having to answer to allegations of horrible crimes I do not remember committing during my blind fit of insanity, ultimately culminating in a final gore drenched confrontation betwixt myself and the armies of the world after my unspeakable rampage across the face of the globe? Or is it him?”

“Oh don’t worry yourself Vrig, for once it's not your growing madness to blame, it’s simply Bort, it’s his way, allow me to translate. My friend Bort here was just telling us about testing his new time space catapult.”

“Uh-huh…”

“Bort! Bort bort, bortbortbort booooort bortbort.” Bort borted.

“Bort asks that you to kindly jam your cynicism gribble steamer.” Bumble continued. “Apparently it’s still in the ‘Throwing things linearly’ phase but he’s confident he’ll soon be throwing things through space and time any day now.”

“So is he the one responsible for the mysterious objects falling throughout Smile County?” Vrig queried.

“Bort?” Bort replied quizzically.

“He seems as confused about it as the rest of us. Perhaps we should investigate these shenanigans. We will be intrepid explorers like in that movie ‘Ringsack Munsun and his Investigative Ranger Squad!’” Bumble giddily tittered.

“I saw that one,” Vrig dryly answered. “Poorly plotted and pathetically acted.”

“And so shall our adventures be!” Bumble cheered. “Onward!”

posted by Jesse Jones 8:15 AM

Thursday, December 06, 2001

The Legend of Stuff
(Parte the 5th)

Not since the great and tremendulous bri-nylon famine of ought-three had The Chesterfield Wig Concern known such calamitous strife.

"Whelks! Whelks! Whelks" barked Otterlee Flimshaw, managing director and bearded plaything.

"Problems, oh great, wise and flouncy one?" asked Colon the Tea Boy, so called since he was built entirely from tea bags.

"Yes, problems! Can't you see I'm trying to re-write The Great Book of Holy Holy Things to include more references to hairpieces, toupees, weaves, fake ponytails and Grecian 3000?", roared the mighty Flimshaw.

"Yessss?"

"So how the tarnication am I expected to complete such a monumental task when the 'G' from my trusty TripeWriter has been stolen? Look! The Umpteenth Commandment now reads 'You shall have no other Cod before me'"

"And?"

"And since when has the common cod been affored deitific status?"

"I see your point.", the teaboy meekly answered.

"You should, you garbungling idiotron. Now go immerse yourself in boiling water, for I thirst muchly."

Suddenly, there was a ringing knock upon Flimshaw's many-splendoured doorbell. "Ah, that will be the stuffed pomegranate souffle I ordered." But it was not. In the doorway of the managing director of the Chesterfield Wig Concern stood Bort, Vrig and Bumble Norknork.

"Do you have my stuffed pomegranate souffle?", howled Flimshaw.

"No," said Bumble Norknork, "but we do believe you've had problems with The Phantom Consonant Thief of Merry Olde Englande!"

posted by Scotty B 11:59 AM

2002-06-09T04:14:00.000-07:00

Yup, I got here at last.

Had my birthday yesterday; first birthday ever that I didn't get any presents. Whatsoever. Well, to be fair, my Dad said he had bought me a present, but he'd forgotten to bring it with him. Guess I'll survive somehow.

Been working on a program that will kill spam forever! Probably not. Sadly, I seem to be spending increasing amounts of my time helping people to solve installation problems. Most of which are Micro$haft's fault anyway. It's like the Big Guy says "Oh yeah, I'm Bill Gates and I got tons of money and I'm on TV so I'll screw your computers like you'd screw {insert attractive female celebrity here}. No wait, I'll screw your computers like Holden would screw {insert attractive male celebrity here}. NYA-NYA-NYA-NYA-NYA!"

On the plus-side this week: England 1 Argentina 0.

On the minus-side: I'm still getting bombarded with copies of the Klez virus. Who'd have thought there were that many infected computers visiting my website?

Put some pictures up, and now my wonderful new home looks a little more like home. Except the walls, which are decorated in hideous yellow-and-blue. With a dado rail. The only thing that's stopping me ripping the whole lot off and putting something up myself is the fact I'll have to paint or paper around that dado rail. Well, that and the fact I'm lazy.

I need a decorator. Preferably a female one, between 18 and 35. Who'll do it naked.

Decorating, I mean!

Well, decorating first.

Excuse me for a minute...

2002-06-01T07:19:00.000-07:00

So, how about them Nungos huh? That 4th Griftit Murray Ludlow is a bum, I can't believe they're paying him that much, he's barely managing a 4.82 JPN, I swear, if he and their starting Trofler Gorgun Ifno don't get their shit together I think West Boysenberry is gonna leave 'em in the dust and win the Zebub Flange this year... I swear to Klee...

Now that I've completely hujinged you with my dazzling trepzion I'll ask, where be yee? I'm naked alone and afraid in this vacuous cyber-space voidling we've got here. Feel my freak heat, dance in my glowing inner beacon of insanity, lather up with my juices of individuality, let loose your monkeys of creativity on my playing field of lemur bones!

What I'm trying to say is, c'mon people now, smile on crazy diamond-

Ok, I've got to stop it, I'm spiraling out of control. What I'm really trying to say is join me won't you? This is your outlet, so let out already.

As for me, I've decided to try and dabble in the Cult of Nobody until I can figure out a place of my own on this wacky internet of ours. Other than that and my continuing exercising not a whole lot new is going on. But isn't that enough really? So anyway, it's been a couple weeks since I've heard from you Scotty, and months on months since we've heard from Coot, so just drop in to let everyone know what you're up to. I was really hoping this place would do more to keep us in touch than it has, but I guess everyone's got a life to attend to and I can understand that, but I'm not exactly bursting with free time myself and I manage to squeeze in an update when ever it's worth while.

Anyway, that's me for now, hope to hear from the rest of you soon...

Later.

2002-05-22T02:33:00.000-07:00

Well, despite the ambivalent reaction of the scale yesterday I continue with my exercising and eating programs, I'm feeling better, not sure if I'm looking better, but I'm attributing my lack of weight loss to the development of muscle while simultaneously losing fat off setting each other... And I'm sticking to that...

Other than that, things have remained pretty steadily boring. One thing though that I've been working on is a new front page for this blog or it's evolved self... I actually found Don Cook over the weekend. I found an addy that he used during the MCW v9 period that I hadn't remembered, so I checked it out and by god it was still active. I'm not sure if I'm I should be happy I found him or angry he just up and disappeared on us without a word.

Anyway, he's over at Cult of Nobody contributing hilarity and I'm still trying to come up with ideas for a humor site of my own, that's also where my days worth of tinkering comes in. Took me forever to figure out what I was doing wrong with these damn random quote scripts, but I finally ironed it out and made a cool little logo if I do say so for what should be the new front page some day, check out what I did here and tell me what you think. (Yes all this work I put in to that thing does mean I intend to continue the Legend of Stuff, and I hope you do to.)

So, that's me for now, how 'bout thee?

2002-05-17T11:33:00.000-07:00

Update from McB-Land. First work colleague to comment on my weight loss yesterday, which gave me a brief happy-happy-joy-joy moment. Had a hiccup two weeks ago when a wife-sponsored KFC binge led to a gain of 3 lbs, which I managed to take back off last week. So as it stands, still holding firm at 187, with this week's weigh-in to come tomorrow. Sunday I'm off to an actual real live american-style football game with my sister-in-law - okay, so it's only NFL Europe, but still good. Other than that, not muchly - still working hard on the first part of my degree course, did the first assessment last weekend which I think went okay. I should try and write something creative or at least put on the pretence, but eh, what're ya gonna do? Will try and speak at ya shortly should creativity kick me around a little.

2002-05-17T07:33:00.000-07:00

Afternoon all, I'd been trying not to mention it so as not to jinx myself but I'm full on back on the eating better/exercising bullet train. I started Monday and have just been cruising along since and it really hasn't even been hard.

Now I'm not eating better as in healthier or anything, I'm just eating better as in many small meals a day and no sweets. And my exercise isn't much yet, just starting slow, I'm going in and walking/jogging about a mile or so every day. I've been gradually increasing my distances and I'm now going a total of 1.3 miles, jogging .5 of it. Gotta start slow and work my way up, but I've been doing it every day and I plan on keeping that up, going in Sunday-Friday. Next week I plan on adding some weight training...

So with my living right back on track I've updated the Lardometer to keep you abreast with my progress, it's disgusting, it's sad, but it's at least moving in the right direction still.

Other than that I haven't been up to much lately, been kind of tired all week because I threw my sleep pattern off Monday and was never able to recover. Last weekend I picked up an assignment from Hollylisle that sparked an idea, and I would've had something done by now if it weren't for my sleepiness, so I should have something new soon now that I'm back right.

Anyway, I guess that's all for me for today. Really wish this place were more active, haven't heard from Coot in ages already. Well, talk to you guys later hopefully...

2002-05-13T07:25:00.000-07:00

Seems somehow my first attempt at posting that exploded on impact... Sad really...